It's Hard to Say I DO When I DON'T
by AshTonks
Summary: Everyone knows Luna and Neville are meant to be. But what happens when miscommunications and Hannah Abbott get in the way? Can a Gryffindor boy be intelligent enough to make the right choice? Can a Ravenclaw girl be brave enough to fight for her love?
1. It's Hard to Say I Do

**A/N:** I really liked writing this fic! When I first wrote it, it was four pages of text that just frustrated me. But I went back to revise, and it came out to twelve pages before I was happy (MAJOR thank yous to my bff Naturally Morbid for helping proofread!). This fic was inspired by two awesome characters and a really neat song that just sounds like Luna to me. I'll give a special kudos to whoever can figure out what song it is! (Hint: It's not the one the fic is named after. That one doesn't really remind me of this fic at all, but the title fits and the band rocks out loud.) Please comment and/or review, b/c I like to know what everyone thinks! Thanks for reading!

**Chapter One**

It started out as another warm, uneventful summer day. She had no plans to completely make a fool of herself and no thoughts of completely ruining someone's life plans. Luna was simply shopping in Diagon Alley, replenishing her father's stores of dittany and gurdyroot.

The older he got, Luna mused, the more often Xenophilius Lovegood seemed to need dittany to heal the many wounds he accidentally inflicted upon himself. The older _she_ got, the more Luna came to see that sometimes, just sometimes, her father was wrong. He was right about wrackspurts, Rowena Ravenclaw's Diadem, and right about the Deathly Hallows according to Harry, Ron, and Hermione... but he'd found another Erumpent horn.

Having finished Hogwarts and now turned nineteen years old, Luna realized that while she still believed Crumple-Horn Snorkacks existed, she had to admit that the horn her father had bought her three years ago was most definitely not from one of them. The new one he'd found only weeks ago had also exploded, outside the house this time, and it had taken all of their remaining dittany to heal his many large gashes.

_What would he have done if I hadn't been there?_ she wondered. Mulling these things over in her mind and looking down at the contents of her bag while walking out of Slug & Jiggers Apothecary, Luna ran straight into someone.

"Sorry!" she sighed, picking up her thankfully unbroken purchases. "I must be elf-shot, I can't focus on anything today."

A familiar laugh caught her ears and she looked up to find a confused Neville Longbottom. "What does elf-shot mean?"

"Neville!" she cried. Luna straightened up immediately, feeling her heart beat loudly from surprise and embarrassment. Ever since their relationship ended at school, wrackspurts always took full advantage of her in Neville's presence. They made her forget how to speak, what to say when she could speak, and just overall made her look too dull to have ever been a Ravenclaw.

She and Neville were still good friends, and they owled each other often, but they hadn't spoken face to face in over a year. She had to get it together quickly. "It's been a while, how are you?"

He flushed a little, "Um... fine. How're you?"

"Fine," she nodded, aware that his countenance had gone south with the small-talk. She'd said something wrong...again. _Say anything!_ "Wow, it's good to see you. What have you been up to lately? Are you still working as an Auror?"

"Ah, no actually I left that job. I accepted the Herbology position at Hogwarts for this coming year."

"That's great!" she cried, placing a hand on his arm. "You always loved Herbology. I'm glad you got away from that Rotfang Conspiracy thing too."

"Yeah," he gave a small smile, scratching his head. "Barely escaped that one. Poor Harry and Ron, I had to leave them behind."

He was teasing her and she knew it. "Harry and Ron would never get themselves into something like that," she replied.

"No, I suppose not. So what about you? What do you do with your free time now?" Neville redirected the conversation.

"Oh," she blushed. He would probably think her silly. "I help Father with _The Quibbler_. And he and I have started doing more intense research on rare magical animals. We go on trips looking for them. Though our last trip didn't turn up any Snorkacks."

"Too bad," Neville responded. "I can't wait to see you find one and shut everyone up."

Luna had to genuinely smile at this. Whether he truly believed with her or not, Neville had always been one of very few people who didn't roll their eyes at her ideas or straight out snort and laugh. She remembered the time he'd stopped Parvati and Lavender being rude to her in the Library in her fourth year. He'd asked her out not two days later. She shook her head to get rid of the memories that made her a bit self-conscious at the moment.

They stood awkwardly for a second and Neville looked as if he were about to say something before another blonde girl that Luna vaguely remembered came bounding up and looped her arm through the one of Neville's that Luna was unaware she was still holding. Neville closed his mouth, looked down at her and flushed a little. Luna felt sort of hurt watching the scene, but remembered she had no right to be jealous.

"I know you..." Luna said conversationally to the girl as she took a step back from Neville, trying to recall the girl's name.

"Hannah Abbot," the girl nodded, eyeing her suspiciously. "I was in Dumbledore's Army with you." The girl gazed oddly at Luna and she stared right back for a moment before a solid memory finally struck her.

"Oh yes! You were the Hufflepuff girl with the odd patronus."

"A German Shepherd is not an odd patronus," Hannah huffed defensively.

"I didn't mean anything rude. It's nice to see you," Luna tried to correct herself.

Neville spoke up to alleviate the moment, but apparently didn't think before he spoke. "Um, Hannah, I'm sure you remember Luna. Luna, Hannah and I are to be married next week," he reddened a bit as he said it, aware that it made the situation worse rather than better.

Luna felt herself pale and decided it was time to leave. He was obviously uncomfortable, and given the way Hannah was now glaring at her, she didn't want her around. "Con... Congratulations. Well, I must get this dittany to Father. He'll be hurt again by the time I get home, I expect."

"Oh, yeah," Neville nodded. "Don't let us hold you up."

"Bye," Hannah shot as Luna turned and retreated down the alley. She had to get away. She had to get home.

...

Neville sat in a booth in The Leaky Cauldron two days later with the only person he felt he could really talk to about it. Harry and Ron wouldn't understand and he didn't feel close enough the Hermione to call on her, but Harry's wife Ginny knew both Luna and Neville well enough to get it. He and Ginny had been friends for a long time, and when he'd asked, she'd met him within an hour. "Ginny, I have never been so flustered in all my life, and that's really saying something."

"I'm sure it wasn't all that bad," Ginny soothed. "It's not like you said anything strange."

"I just blurted everything out! I couldn't think. Merlin, I made myself look like an idiot."

"You're not an idiot, Neville. You're a guy reliving your first crush. Was it that bad to see her again?"

"No, it was great to see her. Really great," he sighed. "I didn't realize how much I miss her." He sat contemplating for a moment as he drank.

Ginny put her drink down and leaned in to face him fully. "Okay, something got under your skin about it. What is it that's really bothering you?"

"I'm supposed to get married in five days, Ginny," he muttered.

"So..." Ginny pressed him.

"So I shouldn't have felt the way I did! I'm not supposed to want my future wife to go away so I can talk to the girl I dated at school! I shouldn't have wanted to hide it from a friend I was getting married!"

"Neville, it's normal to be a bit freaked this close to your wedding. It is also normal to act strange toward someone you used to feel something for," Ginny insisted.

"Did you get like this before your wedding?"

"Well, no," she admitted reluctantly. "But then it was always Harry for me anyway, wasn't it? Even when I was dating other people, I always fancied him."

"I should have told her before. In an owl or something. Anything but face to face in front of Hannah."

"She had to find out sometime, Nev," Ginny sighed.

"I know. I just wish it hadn't been like that."

"Yeah," she sighed. "Guess that was kind of embarrassing."

"Hannah was upset as well," Neville admitted. "I told her Luna was just a friend, but she remembers us dating at school. She got all miffed about things Luna said and was really angry. She told me she actually sent a letter telling Luna she's not invited. I felt like I'd been Confunded."

"Did you write Luna to tell her it was all Hannah? To tell her to come?"

"No! Godric, how would I even say that? No, I don't want to confuse or mortify her anymore than I already have. Plus, Hannah would have been livid."

"She always struck me as the jealous type," Ginny grinned. "Look, just because you felt something doesn't mean you're going to ditch Hannah and run after Luna. You and Hannah have been together for a year now. And weren't you the one that broke it off with Luna?"

_You have no idea how much I want to do just that. _The thought scared Neville a little. "Sort of," he muttered in response. "I think she was pretty much finished with me."

"So exactly how did it happen?" Ginny asked.

Neville felt somewhat embarrassed, but began to tell her easily of the time he'd spent with Luna. It was surprisingly pleasant to relive the memories of their days sitting by the lake and talking or studying in the library together. Their relationship wasn't a secret, but they'd felt no need to noise it abroad. She'd been fourteen and he fifteen when they started dating.

Odd as she could be sometimes, Neville had found her charming. She had a refreshingly different view of the world around her and she held her ground. He'd also thought her uncommonly pretty. He talked about their first trip to Hogsmeade together, the first time he'd told her he loved her.

After nearly a year together, Neville had spoken of getting married after Hogwarts. Wasn't that what all couples did? Plan for a future together? He'd known they had a long way to go before then, but the thought of spending the rest of his life with Luna had been... wonderful. He hadn't proposed by any means, but he'd told her he intended to marry her.

"Her exact response was 'Well, that's nice. Did you know that Blibbering Humdingers only live in this specific area of Scotland?' She sounded terrified. I'll never forget it," Neville put his head on the table.

"So that was it? You just ended it because she didn't respond correctly?" Ginny sounded exasperated.

"No! It just..." he searched for words. "It made it obvious she didn't see me the same way. Nothing was ever the same and it seemed we were both always uncomfortable together. So I let her go."

"Wow," Ginny murmured. "You know I had no idea. You two still seemed so close."

"Yeah," Neville chuckled. "She made it really easy to stay friends. She never went away or avoided me. But it still hurt to know she only saw me as a friend. I thought I'd die when we got separated at the Ministry at the end of that year. Remember?"

"Yeah, I do." Ginny's eyes went to the table.

"Sorry. This is why I don't ever bring up the past. It's so full of hurt for everyone," he sighed.

Ginny shook herself and smiled. "I like to think that there's always some hope to be found in even our painful memories."

...

Luna smiled and nodded as her father made conversation while she cooked. He was sitting at the table and planning another trip for the two of them, this time searching for Dabberblimps, but she couldn't focus on anything besides the letter she'd received the day before.

She'd spent her time the past few days staring at the ceiling paintings of her friends, which she'd done years ago, and convincing herself that Neville was happy with Hannah. He had to be. And as long as he was happy, it would be okay. She would survive it if she knew he could be happy. But even as she focused on the stove before her, the words from Hannah Abbott's letter replayed in her head over and over.

'We don't want you to be there.'

It was so... rude. Cold, even. Neville wasn't like that at all. There was no way he'd had a part in the letter. Could he ever be happy with someone like that?

_Could he ever be happy with someone who hurt him the way you did?_

She shook her head of all the painful thoughts. "I think I'll get some of the Dirigible Plums to go with this," she stopped her father as she stepped outside for a moment. A quick flick of her wand gathered several of the plums into her mother's apron, which she wore any time she cooked.

_What would mother do?_ She'd asked herself this question a hundred times since yesterday, and each time, the voice in her head said that her mother would have been brave enough to present her side. Brave enough to stand up in protest of something that could hurt someone she loved.

She started a little at her own thoughts. _Love? Even now?_

Still completely undecided, she swept inside and let her father continue with his travel plans.

...

_I should not be doing this,_ Luna thought days later as she pulled on her best dress, if not her favorite. She wanted to look pretty, but she also needed to blend in, so she'd chosen a light blue dress and matching robes that complemented her eyes.

Hermione had graciously supplied Luna with the time and place of the wedding, unaware of the uncomfortable meeting in Diagon Alley or the nasty letter from the bride. Luna again debated the wisdom of her upcoming actions in the mirror. She was a Ravenclaw after all, and the fact that these actions didn't seem to make sense bothered her. Since the fall of Voldemort, life had been so much simpler that no really major decisions had come her way. Until now. But she was nineteen, she'd finished Hogwarts, and she was a woman now. She could do this. But would he want her to?

_Guess I just have to hope so. _Otherwise, this would be very embarrassing. She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair one last time. She removed her wand from behind her ear to keep from being noticed right away and stowed it in her robes, but she would not risk a Nargle problem and take off her Butterbeer cork necklace. She took a deep breath, looked up at her ceiling, and Neville's painted face smiled at her. _This is right,_ she decided, and the thought propelled her out her door.

...


	2. When I Don't

**Chapter Two**

Neville thought he might pass out as he apparated to the church, Harry and Ron right behind him. Ron was still muttering as they arrived.

"This is the most God-awful color I've ever seen in my life. Hermione will demand a divorce once she sees me in this."

"Shut up, Ron, we've all got to wear it," Harry laughed good-naturedly. "At least the groom gets to be stylish." He patted Neville on the shoulder as they walked inside the lobby.

"I don't know if I can do this. I think I'm gonna be sick," he confided in them.

They both grinned at him. "You'll be fine. This is normal," Harry joked. "Ron and I both had to talk one another down at our own weddings."

Neville nodded, though he felt no better about it. This just felt... wrong. Suddenly a strange question popped back into his mind. "What does elf-shot mean?"

At that moment, Ginny and Hermione came round the corner. "Neville!" Hermione hugged him. "What are you saying about being elf-shot?"

"I asked what it means."

Hermione looked at him strangely, "It's a very old Irish muggle term. I came across it once in a Muggle Studies book. It has something to do with a sickness caused by fairies, but I'm sure you're not elf-shot." She laughed as he flushed.

Ginny stepped in, "How are you, Neville?" When he only responded with a nervous laugh, she pushed him toward the main doors into the church. "Go on, your Gran is already here and she'd like a word. Besides, the bride is coming in here soon and you can't see her."

He pulled her aside for a second and whispered, "Gin, I really might not make it through this."

"Neville, breathe. You'll be fine. Don't fret too much. Now go on in and see your Gran. She'll set your mind at ease."

...

She poked her head around a corner and stole a glance into the lobby. Luna quickly spotted her friends, Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Ginny. They were all standing around and chatting for the last few minutes before the wedding started. They were obviously part of the wedding party, because they were all wearing horrible shades of pale yellow-green and an odd pink that they would never have chosen for themselves. Luna usually liked yellow, but this was barely passable.

She spotted several others, Seamus, Dean, Susan Bones, Ernie Macmillan... apparently she was the only person from Hogwarts who'd not been invited. It hurt, even though she knew why. The bride didn't like her.

_With good reason! Look what you're doing!_

An older lady and a young couple she didn't know brushed rudely past her as she made her way in the door. As she didn't recognize them at all, they must have been from the Abbott family. Speaking of Hannah Abbot, where was she? The wedding would start any moment...

Before Luna could find a good place to hide, the rest of the wedding party came stomping down the hallway, lead by the bride herself. Luna ducked behind a curtain that she could only hope wasn't Nargle-infested. She really didn't care at the moment. Luna chanced a look around the fabric to see the bride. She looked...puffy.

_That was impolite._

_Well, it's true._

Hannah was wearing possibly the biggest dress Luna had ever seen. It bulged out at the bottom and at the sleeves. It was a pale cream color with a bright yellow sash obviously meant to be a nod to her House at Hogwarts, but it washed out an already pale Hannah.

_She's still prettier than you, _Luna again doubted her choice to come. She knew her eyes were too big and her hair was too pale. _You are not the type of girl who can pull this off. _She knew there was nothing interesting about herself, except that everyone found her family an oddity. He'd never choose her. She'd killed that chance long ago.

Her thoughts were broken as Hannah turned on a little bridesmaid behind her and chided her for stepping on the train of her dress. The other girl, also a Hufflepuff if Luna remembered correctly, cowered as if she'd been through this all morning. Ginny rolled her eyes and Hermione rubbed her temples while Ron and Harry started to snicker, earning themselves a vicious glance from the bride.

Luna took her chance and used the distraction to slip in the side doors that lead into the church. People around the room were exchanging the normal pleasantries, shaking hands and chatting barely above a whisper. Then she saw him. Neville.

He was standing in the front talking to his Gran and he looked exactly the way he when she'd walked away in Diagon Alley a week ago. Like he'd be sick any moment. She tried not to giggle nervously, it was just the way he handled anxiety.

Her mind wandered of its own accord back to one specific night when they'd met by the lake. It wasn't the first time they'd met up alone like that. They would lay by the lake and talk, usually ending with her explaining some creature he'd never heard of or him explaining the use of some magical plant she didn't understand. They'd often make silly plans to find new animals or new magical plants in places never before explored. Once, he had interrupted her babbling about Moon Frogs midsentence with a chuckle and a kiss. Their very first kiss. She remembered the way her heart had soared and she'd lost all sense of what she'd been talking about.

Then she remembered another night. She'd been so stupid and naive. Neville had started talking about getting married after Hogwarts. At fifteen years old, Luna really hadn't known what to say and began babbling. It had hurt so much to watch his face fall when she opened her mouth. He'd thought she was changing the subject to avoid it and assumed that same nauseous look. Then he'd dropped the subject. Forever.

They'd drifted apart quickly after that, Neville retreating from what he apparently thought was rejection. But they'd been able to stay friends, sort of. She had never let him get away or dodge her. Throughout the rest of their years at Hogwarts, there had been little hints, lingering glances, small touches that always made her breath catch. She'd flirted the best she knew how to try and encourage him again, but she wasn't very good at it and he wasn't very good at catching it. There was a reason she wasn't a Gryffindor. And so nothing had ever happened. She'd told him once, at a birthday party for Ginny, that it broke her heart to see him dating someone else. He densely asked her why, but before she could get the courage to answer, the girl had walked up to drag him away.

Her idiotic feelings had never gone away. Her heart still leapt every time she got an owl from him and still plummeted every time she imagined him with someone else. She still stared at his face on her stupid ceiling until she fell asleep each night. She could never bring herself to remove him.

She quickly came back to her senses as an organ started to play on its own, sounding a little flat. It made the Wedding March sound like a funeral procession. She dove into an empty seat as others rushed to reclaim their own.

Harry and Ginny, then Ron and Hermione, followed by Ernie Macmillan and the little Hufflepuff girl, all walked gracefully down the aisle to stand on opposite sides of the doors flew open dramatically with little pink butterflies filling the room. Hannah floated down the aisle with her father, looking radiant despite Luna's earlier observations. Her heart fell. There was no way she could do this. She was nothing compared to this girl.

She studied Neville as his bride approached. He had a small smile on his face, but it didn't really look happy. Pleased, but not glowingly happy like a person is supposed to look on their wedding day. Could Hannah ever make him smile like that? The way a person should?

_I could. I have before. He deserves to smile._

_..._

Neville watched Hannah glide up the aisle towards him and relaxed a bit. She was gorgeous. He knew he could marry her. She was a perfect match for him. They liked the same things, had the same friends, held the same beliefs. She cared for him. And he cared for her.

_But do you truly love her? The way you once loved someone?_

He knew he had to say no, but only because he had been hurt so badly the first time, right? It was just too hard to give it another shot. It wasn't that he _didn't_ love her as much, he just _couldn't_ love her as much.

_That's sounds even worse! Why are you thinking this through now? It's over. You've chosen. Besides, it's not like anyone is running in to stop you._

Neville took a deep breath and took Hannah's hand as she met him. There were too many people watching. He felt almost... trapped. But it was just nerves. Harry and Ron had felt the same, and look how happy they were, how perfectly they were matched. He listened carefully to every word said over him and his bride, and found the strength to smile at her as she looked up at him.

Despite his self-assurances, he still found himself holding his breath when he heard, "... Speak now or forever hold your peace."

...

Luna didn't hear most of what was said, because she couldn't take her eyes off Neville. She got lost in daydream after daydream, reliving little moments, wishing she was the one up there beside him, wishing she'd done something, anything to fix what she'd messed up that night. _Godric give me the heart of a Gryffindor, if only for a moment. _Then the dreaded words were said before she felt any of the courage she begged for.

"...Speak now or forever hold your peace..."

The typical dead silence accompanied the words as if anyone were afraid to even shift in their seat.

_No! I can't do this! I'm not ready!_

_He said forever, Luna! This is your last chance!_

Then her mutinous body made her shoot to her feet before her mind knew what to say. Her hands shook quietly as most of the room gasped and everyone turned to look at her. She caught a couple of the horrified looks, but Ginny was beaming, Hermione had a smug smile, and Harry's thoughts were evident on his face, nearly cheering "Do it!" Ron was bewildered and the bride looked like she was ready to kill.

But then Luna found the only face she needed to see and completely relaxed. Neville. He looked at her as though seeing her for the first time. She locked eyes with him and she saw a hope there that gave her all the courage she needed. She was used to being stared at, so ignoring everyone else was fairly easy after that.

"Don't..." her voice shook some, but she found it easily and began talking almost too quickly for her airy voice to be understood. "Don't say yes to her. I know I don't belong here and I have no right... but you can't. I made a huge mistake, but I'm not a Gryffindor, and I was just scared. But it would be partially my fault if I let you make an even bigger mistake without saying something. Run away. Don't make her any promises. I only want you to promise me!"

Neville felt his heart stop. He'd snatched around and searched for her, finding her there, standing in the middle of a row of people. She'd come. She had come to stop him. Luna... And then she apologized and actually asked him to walk away. To be with her. He felt he couldn't move.

The bride was no longer dumbstruck. "How dare you? No one even invited you!" she shot nastily. Luna looked away from Neville and lost her nerve. Hannah was now fuming at her, and Neville had simply looked shell shocked. She should have seen this coming. There was no way to change the past.

Hannah rounded on her again. "If you think you can come here and ruin my wedding..."

"Okay."

Neville's single word, finally forced out, made both girls' heads snap around to stare at him. She'd come. She'd taken a bigger chance than he ever could have taken to be with him. He needed nothing more.

Luna felt like her heart would burst as she struggled to remain standing while her knees tried to give way. Whispers shot through the room and Hannah turned on Neville.

"What did you say?" she asked.

"I... I really am sorry Hannah," Neville stuttered, hating to hurt her. She was so kind. So good to him. But then he looked out and stared into Luna's eyes. "I love her, Hannah. It wouldn't be fair to you to pretend otherwise."

"Fair to me? What part of this is fair to me!" Hannah hit him in the chest with her bouquet, flowers flying everywhere. He knew he deserved far worse for doing this to her.

Wrackspurts had completely filled Luna's head, as she couldn't seem to speak and could barely hear over a constant buzzing in her ears.

"I'm sorry, Hannah," Neville began, reaching out to hug her lightly.

"No!" She shoved him back, clearly furious and humiliated. "Just... just go!"

People across the church started an uproar, mostly Hannah's family. Neville noticed his Gran looked like she might burst out laughing, for she'd never liked Hannah. Not that she'd accept Luna any easier.

A couple of the Abbott family members turned on Luna, shouting at her, until Harry and Ginny made it over and pulled her safely into the lobby.

Ginny hugged her fiercely. "I don't know what possessed you to do that, but thank Merlin you did!"

Neville shot out the doors seconds later, searching for her. He spotted her and ran to pick her up and spin her around. She almost laughed in surprise. "I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have come, but..."

"No! Thank God you did!" He put her back on her feet, "I nearly made the biggest mistake of my life!"

She beamed up at him until he kissed her. Ginny giggled while Harry cleared his throat, "Uh, you two might want to get out of here. This will get ugly before it gets better."

Neville never took his eyes off Luna. "Let's run away together," he laughed. "Where to?"

"Anywhere we can find something new," she giggled, and they disapparated on the spot.

...


End file.
